Comedy

These next few entries I got from harrisonline.com. Don't report me. Please.

HOW TO ANNOY PEOPLE

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets..
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk..
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Tell your friends, four days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood!

The Great List Of Movie Cliches

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds. Unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
Everyone knows the words to every song you want to sing and will sing along with you. They can even carry the solo part so that they can sing the song back to you, even if they have never heard the song until you sang half of it.
Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one laying around the next time you need one.
Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -- even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath. Even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically pressing the cradle switch and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
Many musical instruments, especially wind instruments and accordions, can be played without moving the fingers.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings, especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
Most dogs are immortal.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
The Chief of Police is always black.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill. Just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.